I Hate Me

I had a conversation with a friend today about relationships and the ups and downs of it. I gave her my 2 cents and told her the worst part about my relationship was me feeling bad about myself. In other words, insecurity.

It doesn't automatically relates to affair or anything like that but then again with the problem of insecurity could definitely lead me towards that direction. The direction of "If I don't look good, he's gonna start looking for someone else".

I've always been on the meaty side since I was a kid. Never nor have I ever been slim and slender. I've always been round. But it's not that bad really. I have the curves at the certain right places. Notice how I use the word of "certain". I try hard by keeping in shape by going for my capoeira (although not anymore) and hitting the gym. I dare say only for the past couple of months, I've been giving my all at the gym. As in 2-3 times a week and watch what I eat. Somehow, I hated the wait. The excruciating wait to see the results I desired.

I do feel better and I noticed my body is more toned but I wanted more. It doesn't help either when your bf compliments other girls that are gorgeous. Ok, they are celebrities but they are human too. Maybe they are not. But then again, it's their job to look good. They look so good and I feel shitty about myself.

But I have only myself to blame for feeling this way. I feel shitty for not having well-toned arms, abs, flawless skin and everything. My insecurities are so bad that I convinced myself that I look pretty all because of my make-up skills. I hate doing this to myself but I can't help it. I can't help but wanting to be something that I'm not.

Then my friend told me this.

I've been giving alot of thought about what you said about your insecurities and I just want you to know that you need not worry too much about it. I think you look good and you have a unique look. You shouldn't let things like this bother you so much.

As soon as she said this I knew deep down in me was smiling. I felt so silly. Why do I need to hear that from someone just to make myself feel better about myself. I've always lived my life carefree and could care what anyone think. And yet, I've dwell into the stereotyped beauty that the current society has set.

So I'm gonna keep enhancing what I've got and keep working at it. And if anyone has problems with it, they can suck on my unsaturated fats.